is it a kind of dream?

I was asked what consultant and what hospital I wanted, and after the last experience and the maternity unit ratings this morning on the Beeb wherein my local trust, Heart of England, was rated poorly, i'm beginning to think. That said, the consultant was ok (i never saw him until the day before goober was pulled out of my belly and never again - he had nothing to do with my caesarean), and the hospital staff during the section were ok i guess, despite the hospital's shitty rating for the nth year in a row.

Though aftercare was sorely lacking, my catheter bag nearly exploded because they forgot about it overnight, there were blood clots in the shower and on the floor in the bathroom where the 3 of us shared a room, our babies kept setting each other off screaming all night, they ran the husbands off at 8pm every night and it felt like being abandoned each time, and the night staff were horrendous, neglectful and mean, snatching your boobs around and plugging your baby on you like some sort of mains plug.  I was isolated, terrified, lonely and i HATED being in hospital with a baby i knew nothing about how to deal with, spending most of those 3 days in tears.

That's the NHS for you. :/

The registrars were shit from the word go, largely useless and quite stupid, and together with one of the endocrinology consultants (Mrs Jones, I'm lookin at you, bitch)  spent from 34 weeks onwards conducting an organised and calculated terror campaign against me, accusing me of gestational diabetes, blaming me for my big baby, and generally scaring the shit out of me about how it was all my fault i was having a whopper and i should've done something about it sooner by having the GTT despite not believing in GD and turning down the test. (i didnt have GD, i tested 5x / day for 3 weeks and proved it to them, but the damage was done psychologically by that point. ) 

I spent rather a long time terrified of the "huge" (to quote them) baby growing inside me because of how I was treated and blamed. Not really conducive to bonding with your newborn child, is it? I'm quite sure that all that drama and bullshit, plus breastfeeding difficulties and a lack of help is why i struggled to bond with my first, and why i was depressed for a long time after her birth. That and high expectations by his family, condescending snotty shitty little remarks by superior but allegedly 'well meaning' aunts and that sort of thing.

I DO NOT want to go through all that ever again.

 I do not want to spend 3 nights away from my husband and daughter, feeling abandoned and vulnerable in a big scary hospital all by myself with a screaming newborn, even if i have more of a clue this time around. Therefore i do not want to have a repeat caesarean.  I think a VBAC is the way to go. Therefore I am thinking a doula is an intelligent thing to do. In fact, I have a lady all picked out off of the doula website, and have made contact, just waiting for a reply. I do not want to be scared shitless again. I do not want to be terrified of the "huge baby" growing my belly because of the ordeal made by antenatal staff. If the baby hasnt got 3 heads, i dont want to be treated as if s/he does.