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posted by [personal profile] leoniedelt at 12:02pm on 25/01/2008 under , ,
So, been thinking a lot since the midwife's phone call yesterday. First midwife apptmt arranged for  4 Feb in the morning, so i have til then to figure out wtf i want.

I was asked what consultant and what hospital I wanted, and after the last experience and the maternity unit ratings this morning on the Beeb wherein my local trust, Heart of England, was rated poorly, i'm beginning to think. That said, the consultant was ok (i never saw him until the day before goober was pulled out of my belly and never again - he had nothing to do with my caesarean), and the hospital staff during the section were ok i guess, despite the hospital's shitty rating for the nth year in a row.

Though aftercare was sorely lacking, my catheter bag nearly exploded because they forgot about it overnight, there were blood clots in the shower and on the floor in the bathroom where the 3 of us shared a room, our babies kept setting each other off screaming all night, they ran the husbands off at 8pm every night and it felt like being abandoned each time, and the night staff were horrendous, neglectful and mean, snatching your boobs around and plugging your baby on you like some sort of mains plug.  I was isolated, terrified, lonely and i HATED being in hospital with a baby i knew nothing about how to deal with, spending most of those 3 days in tears.

That's the NHS for you. :/

The registrars were shit from the word go, largely useless and quite stupid, and together with one of the endocrinology consultants (Mrs Jones, I'm lookin at you, bitch)  spent from 34 weeks onwards conducting an organised and calculated terror campaign against me, accusing me of gestational diabetes, blaming me for my big baby, and generally scaring the shit out of me about how it was all my fault i was having a whopper and i should've done something about it sooner by having the GTT despite not believing in GD and turning down the test. (i didnt have GD, i tested 5x / day for 3 weeks and proved it to them, but the damage was done psychologically by that point. ) 

I spent rather a long time terrified of the "huge" (to quote them) baby growing inside me because of how I was treated and blamed. Not really conducive to bonding with your newborn child, is it? I'm quite sure that all that drama and bullshit, plus breastfeeding difficulties and a lack of help is why i struggled to bond with my first, and why i was depressed for a long time after her birth. That and high expectations by his family, condescending snotty shitty little remarks by superior but allegedly 'well meaning' aunts and that sort of thing.

I DO NOT want to go through all that ever again.

 I do not want to spend 3 nights away from my husband and daughter, feeling abandoned and vulnerable in a big scary hospital all by myself with a screaming newborn, even if i have more of a clue this time around. Therefore i do not want to have a repeat caesarean.  I think a VBAC is the way to go. Therefore I am thinking a doula is an intelligent thing to do. In fact, I have a lady all picked out off of the doula website, and have made contact, just waiting for a reply. I do not want to be scared shitless again. I do not want to be terrified of the "huge baby" growing my belly because of the ordeal made by antenatal staff. If the baby hasnt got 3 heads, i dont want to be treated as if s/he does.

Sigh. Fingers crossed I have a better experience this time around.
Mood:: 'annoyed' annoyed
There are 15 comments on this entry. (Reply.)
posted by [identity profile] aquirkofmatter.livejournal.com at 12:43pm on 25/01/2008
*crosses fingers* I'm quite terrified just reading that! x
posted by [identity profile] leoniedelt.livejournal.com at 01:21pm on 25/01/2008
lol. it was quite unpleasant.

I'm hoping to have a VBAC, preferably at hospital in case of problems, and without as many interventions as I can go without, like without epidural and without the syntocinon drip, etc.

Ah, the joys of motherhood ;)
posted by [identity profile] pmoodie.livejournal.com at 12:55pm on 25/01/2008
I had no idea what a doula was, but I Googled it, so now I'm up to speed!

Yeah, I think you should get a doula, even if it's just for peace of mind and the reassurance that it's not just you up against all these medical types.

I hope you have a better experience this time, and I'm sure the fact that you had such a dire experience last time and are prepered for the worst will help enormously.
posted by [identity profile] leoniedelt.livejournal.com at 01:24pm on 25/01/2008
Thank you sweetie. Yeah expect the worst, be surprised when it doesnt happen! Ah, pessimism! ;)

Yes, i am determined not to be bullied or terrorised this time.

That said, when pregnant i go from 0 to worrywart faster than the speed of light, heh. Its difficult. I think if i had someone who knew a lot about birthing, but was impartial and disconnected from the case emotionally, to explain the medical hype vs what will happen if i do nothing, or whatever, then i will be able to keep my head a little bit easier and not completely freak out if they say i'm going to give birth to the elephant man/woman, kwim?

i think its well worth the £400 the lady will cost me. Yes.
posted by [identity profile] pmoodie.livejournal.com at 01:31pm on 25/01/2008
i think its well worth the £400 the lady will cost me. Yes.

I think so.

Not that I have direct personal experience, but it seems to me that hsving a baby is a MASSIVE thing to deal with and it can only help to have someone go through it with you who can give support and advice.
posted by [identity profile] leoniedelt.livejournal.com at 01:41pm on 25/01/2008
You're right there - you can die, the baby can die, both of you can die.

As its your life AND the baby's, and there's nothing out there that causes stronger guilt than anything at all to do with your child/children/baby right down to the choices you make and repercussions thereof, then i think having someone talk turkey with me without getting as emotional as i will no doubt be, can only be a good thing.

*hugs* to you, sweetheart.
posted by [identity profile] pmoodie.livejournal.com at 01:38pm on 25/01/2008
Aha! And what just happens to be the top story on the Beeb News website?
posted by [identity profile] leoniedelt.livejournal.com at 01:45pm on 25/01/2008
Bingo - that's why its on my mind. Good Hope, now part of the Heart of England trust, is in the worst category, and not for the first year running either - I've seen ratings back to 06 and they are the same.

Local hospital sucks ass according to the ratings. I'd love to see them broken down, like they are on this website:
Good Hope is where goober was born at, its like 2 miles from here.
posted by [identity profile] pmoodie.livejournal.com at 02:18pm on 25/01/2008
Maybe they'll make an effort to clean up their act now that they've been "named and shamed" like this?

Anyway, I definitely think it would be £400 well spent!
posted by [identity profile] leoniedelt.livejournal.com at 07:21pm on 25/01/2008
One hopes so!
posted by [identity profile] happydalek.livejournal.com at 09:36pm on 25/01/2008
*also crosses fingers* You're no amateur anymore, you've been down this motherhood road before, so go you for being prepared! I think a doula is a very good idea (if a pricey one! Yeesh!). Great to have someone along who will be on your side. Sounds to me like the only thing crappy hospitals do well is hijacking people's bodies and scaring them into obedience. Be a squeaky wheel. What a terrible, stressful and scary way to welcome a new life!
posted by [identity profile] leoniedelt.livejournal.com at 08:40am on 26/01/2008
Bingo. Along with the hormones of pregnancy comes emotional lability / being hypersensitive to everything, but the people on the wards know that if they've ever been pregnant in their lives.

I've done it before, but i've never done labour before - i went straight from early labour to a booked c/s so i've never been in 'real' labour. Its kindof scary, really, and i'm a bit out of my depth in sayoing this will happen or i won't allow that, etc, so having someone who knows how it all works and can tell me to calm down, its coming, etc, will be a good thing, oh yes.
posted by [identity profile] mooncove.livejournal.com at 04:04am on 26/01/2008
OMG, what a horrible experience you had the first time. Makes my NHS nightmare seem like a picnic. I'm glad the BBC has brought attention to the problem--and perfect timing too. I'll be keeping my fingers crossed things go much better this time. And the doula sounds like she will help too.
posted by [identity profile] leoniedelt.livejournal.com at 08:46am on 26/01/2008
When you're an emotional sleep deprived pregnant woman who hadnt been sleeping for the week preceeding because of PUPPPs, and then has a caesarean and is an emotional wreck, sweating out the water and pissing bags of saline and not having a fucking clue what to do with a screaming newborn and no one to show me, then all these things were the end of planet Earth, kwim?

Ahh, socialised medicine. At least in the states, you lot have money as an incentive to drive doctors to be good at what they do - the NHS gives no incentives - piss poor pay, crappy conditions, no staff, pressure out the wazoo, its little wonder people are shitty to you, kwim?
posted by [identity profile] mooncove.livejournal.com at 11:35pm on 27/01/2008
Wow, I've always been terrified of pregnancy, but now you've totally convinced me I'd never have survived it. You have my utmost admiration for going through all that, and then being brave enough to make that kind of sacrifice all over again.

As for having a lot of money as an incentive ... well, some of us do. And then there are the millions who just can't afford any health care at all. It would be nice to have options. The two friends who helped me out during my illness both pay for private health care because the NHS is so bad, but they always have that as a backup. And the people who can't afford to pay at least have some form of health care, crappy as it is. Not everybody in the two hospitals I stayed at was shitty to me--in fact, those people were in the minority. (My doctor was really good. And, OMG, some of my sub-doctors were gorgeous, like the one who fixed my leaking IV for me. And with British accents too! Too bad I looked and felt so awful.) And I like it that they let me stay so long; I had my gallbladder surgery over here when I got home, and they sent me home only an hour after I woke up; I couldn't even stand up! By contrast, when they thought they were going to have to do an ERCP on me in England, they said that would keep me in the hospital for another whole week! Over here, I was lucky they let me stay overnight with my pancreatitis. But then, neither of those NHS hospitals was on the BBC's "worst" list.


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